Transformers: Dark of the Moon

1/2 star

Transformers was released on the weekend of Fourth of July, 2007.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was released on the weekend of Fourth of July, 2009.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is being released this Fourth of July weekend, 2011.

Three times on our country's most important day in history, we have seen the decline of western civilization.

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon is like the Inception of horrible movies. At almost every moment in Michael Bay's 2 1/2 hour America-fuck-yeah-destructo-porno, there is a complex twist displaying the absolute downfall of my generation's innocence, soulfulness, sensibility, and most of all, intelligence.

The third and hopefully last Transformer movie begins with a prologue of the Apollo 11 mission. Apparently, NASA sent up the astronauts in order to recover a crashed Alien spacecraft on the dark side of the moon. Simultaneously, Michael Bay rips off Pink Floyd with the film's title (the only reason why the world "side" isn't in there is because he'd be directly stealing from them) and Apollo 13 by having identical shots of the lunar spacecraft entering the, wouldn't-you-know-it, dark side of the moon.

That's not even my biggest problem with it. My biggest problem is the logic of the so-called "plot" and where it fits within the trilogy's universe. The first film began in present day with humans discovering the robots on Mars via Rover mission. The third film has humans discovering them in 1969 on the Apollo 11 mission. So basically, every Transformers movie is in its own little world. Just like its director, who can't get seem to grasp that just because you're movie is a financial success does not deem it a good movie. He admits that the second film wasn't great, but this film will bring the franchise back to top form. The only thing he's done here is add insult to filmmaking and patriotism.

For the last hour of the film, downtown Chicago is absolutely plummeted with sheer destruction. This film is rated PG-13 because we don't see the millions of people actually being slaughtered, simultaneously. We just see big, recognizable buildings getting absolutely annihilated. It was cool to see that kind of stuff in Call of Duty: Black Ops, so it must be cool here. Right?

Sarcasm detected. Moving on. Shia Lebeouf is back, sadly, as Sam Witwicky. This time, he has a new girl with a different ass so that Michael Bay can treat his horny ADD. It's bad enough this film begins with insulting our country's history. It's another to do it, show the title of the movie, and then cut to a close-up of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass. Somewhere, Megan Fox is finally having a good day.

Michael Bay also has the audacity to cast two-fantastic actors, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand, and give them both the worst performances of their careers. And remember, Malkovich was in last year's train wreck, Jonah Hex, co-starring Megan Fox. Somewhere, Megan Fox remembers this, and has another bad day.

Malkovich plays Sam's new boss, who gets angry when his display of yellow around the office is altered when someone brings in a red coffee mug. "It is a visual and therefore a visceral betrayal!" There are so many truths to this statement about this film that it proves my statement that Dark of the Moon truly is the Inception of horrible movies.

Right before the climax, the government decides to send the Autobots away in order to deal with the Decepticons themselves. Instead, Optimus Prime and company pretend to get on the ship, only to show up and save the day after Chicago's destruction. I was waiting for Sam to say to Bumblebee, "where were you on that one?" I guess it had to be after it though, otherwise the Autobots would have saved the day and Michael Bay wouldn't have been able to destroy an entire American city.

I'll be the first to admit that this latest 3D extravaganza is probably one of the strongest 3D efforts since Avatar, mainly because Bay made his one and only smart decision by hiring James Cameron's crew to bring the effects to life. The technology worked wonderfully for the wide-angled establishing shots, along with a cool, but long collapsing-building sequence. Note: this is where the half of star comes in on my rating.

So, for anyone who is now forever pissed at me for once again slamming a Transformers movie, remember that I liked the first one. I thought Michael Bay finally found a franchise that fit his personality. In the sequels, he failed even on his own level, which is why I hate these movies so much. Maybe he needs to move on to something else. Maybe money isn't everything. Ironically, his last movie before Transformers, The Island, is probably his strongest directorial effort to date. It's also his lowest grossing film, something that I could only dream of for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, a movie experience from cinematic hell.