Transformers: Dark of the Moon

1/2 star

Transformers was released on the weekend of Fourth of July, 2007.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was released on the weekend of Fourth of July, 2009.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is being released this Fourth of July weekend, 2011.

Three times on our country's most important day in history, we have seen the decline of western civilization.

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon is like the Inception of horrible movies. At almost every moment in Michael Bay's 2 1/2 hour America-fuck-yeah-destructo-porno, there is a complex twist displaying the absolute downfall of my generation's innocence, soulfulness, sensibility, and most of all, intelligence.

The third and hopefully last Transformer movie begins with a prologue of the Apollo 11 mission. Apparently, NASA sent up the astronauts in order to recover a crashed Alien spacecraft on the dark side of the moon. Simultaneously, Michael Bay rips off Pink Floyd with the film's title (the only reason why the world "side" isn't in there is because he'd be directly stealing from them) and Apollo 13 by having identical shots of the lunar spacecraft entering the, wouldn't-you-know-it, dark side of the moon.

That's not even my biggest problem with it. My biggest problem is the logic of the so-called "plot" and where it fits within the trilogy's universe. The first film began in present day with humans discovering the robots on Mars via Rover mission. The third film has humans discovering them in 1969 on the Apollo 11 mission. So basically, every Transformers movie is in its own little world. Just like its director, who can't get seem to grasp that just because you're movie is a financial success does not deem it a good movie. He admits that the second film wasn't great, but this film will bring the franchise back to top form. The only thing he's done here is add insult to filmmaking and patriotism.

For the last hour of the film, downtown Chicago is absolutely plummeted with sheer destruction. This film is rated PG-13 because we don't see the millions of people actually being slaughtered, simultaneously. We just see big, recognizable buildings getting absolutely annihilated. It was cool to see that kind of stuff in Call of Duty: Black Ops, so it must be cool here. Right?

Sarcasm detected. Moving on. Shia Lebeouf is back, sadly, as Sam Witwicky. This time, he has a new girl with a different ass so that Michael Bay can treat his horny ADD. It's bad enough this film begins with insulting our country's history. It's another to do it, show the title of the movie, and then cut to a close-up of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass. Somewhere, Megan Fox is finally having a good day.

Michael Bay also has the audacity to cast two-fantastic actors, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand, and give them both the worst performances of their careers. And remember, Malkovich was in last year's train wreck, Jonah Hex, co-starring Megan Fox. Somewhere, Megan Fox remembers this, and has another bad day.

Malkovich plays Sam's new boss, who gets angry when his display of yellow around the office is altered when someone brings in a red coffee mug. "It is a visual and therefore a visceral betrayal!" There are so many truths to this statement about this film that it proves my statement that Dark of the Moon truly is the Inception of horrible movies.

Right before the climax, the government decides to send the Autobots away in order to deal with the Decepticons themselves. Instead, Optimus Prime and company pretend to get on the ship, only to show up and save the day after Chicago's destruction. I was waiting for Sam to say to Bumblebee, "where were you on that one?" I guess it had to be after it though, otherwise the Autobots would have saved the day and Michael Bay wouldn't have been able to destroy an entire American city.

I'll be the first to admit that this latest 3D extravaganza is probably one of the strongest 3D efforts since Avatar, mainly because Bay made his one and only smart decision by hiring James Cameron's crew to bring the effects to life. The technology worked wonderfully for the wide-angled establishing shots, along with a cool, but long collapsing-building sequence. Note: this is where the half of star comes in on my rating.

So, for anyone who is now forever pissed at me for once again slamming a Transformers movie, remember that I liked the first one. I thought Michael Bay finally found a franchise that fit his personality. In the sequels, he failed even on his own level, which is why I hate these movies so much. Maybe he needs to move on to something else. Maybe money isn't everything. Ironically, his last movie before Transformers, The Island, is probably his strongest directorial effort to date. It's also his lowest grossing film, something that I could only dream of for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, a movie experience from cinematic hell.

Midnight in Paris

**** stars

There's something magical about Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris, a deliciously fun and joyful experience that every aspiring or accomplished writer should see. What if you could get your work reviewed by the greatest literary geniuses in history by traveling back in time when they were in their prime? It's a concept the infamous filmmaker was born to write and one we were born to watch and enjoy.

This swift little film establishes everything it has to for you to understand the world, yet it doesn't waste time in boring you how it actually works. Basically, a struggling writer named Gil (Owen Wilson) is vacationing in Paris with his fiance Inez (Rachel McAdams) and he is looking for something a little more than just a romantic getaway. He falls in love with city and believes that they should move there after their wedding. Inez does not feel the same way about this. In fact, she seems oddly detached from romanticism in Paris, which many consider to be the most romantic city in the world. So when Inez goes off dancing with her friends, Gil decides to roam the streets at midnight.

Upon his adventure, a 1920's automobile pulls up in front of him and the passengers inside it tell Gil to join them. Reluctant at first but curious moments later, he agrees. Thus, he ventures back to the 1920's and discovers the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway young and very much alive. At this point, Gil's creative inspirations are having an orgasm. However, the deeper he falls in love with this fantasy, the more distant he is from Inez. Gil begins to realize that he cannot have both and will eventually have to choose between reality and fantasy.

But the brilliant question Midnight in Paris asks itself (and the audience) is, why can't fantasy become reality? When and where does magic end and realism begin? A character like Gil is already living in a fantasy. He is in Paris vacationing with his beautiful fiance, and while he may be a struggling writer they seem to have plenty of money. Yet this real fantasy isn't enough after Gil experiences an era that he was only able to dream of until now.

That the film itself is already a fantasy, Allen doesn't waste time showing you how Gil goes back in time, he just does. It's the ultimate proper way of suspending disbelief. There's more magic in believing that an antique vehicle can simply pick you up and drive you to when it was brand new. It made me wonder if this journey was specifically meant for Gil and that everyone can bring their own fantasy to life if they dream about it long enough. One of mine would probably consist of having Led Zeppelin's tour bus pick me up and take me back to the birth of rock-and-roll. Or maybe the Hollywood studio tour bus that Steven Spielberg jumped out of when he snuck his way into the industry and became who he is today. Or maybe...oh forget it, the list is endless.

Woody Allen's hugely entertaining screenplay has a magic journey of self-discovery, one that urges a message of comfort. While everyone may dream of living in another golden era, no matter where you are, who you are, and what you want to be, your life itself is the golden era. Midnight in Paris is a wonderful comedy and the most pleasant experience I've had at the movies so far this year.